Thursday, 8 January 2015

A bold step?

Today’s marriages sometimes seem like for better for stay, for worse for go, till sex, cash and battering do you apart.

Every 7days, you are constantly reminded that your relationship status is unmarried. Another weekend is around the corner; don’t get overwhelmed with the HML updates.
Sometimes, I feel like I am the only unmarried person around. Asake, when are you getting married? Is there a new Bobo? Asake, why are you hiding him? Asake, you better lower that your standards. The pressure to settle down has been immense and trust mother to keep including it in her prayer points.
“I want to settle down after University” Lucy told her boyfriend but he asked her to give him 5years when he would have raised enough money for their wedding ceremony and for starting a family. His target is $70,000 but he currently earns approximately $1000 per month in Nigerian Naira. Haba how persin go dey plan for $70,000 wedding when e no fit even afford car.
“Asake, I love this girl, she is beautiful, intelligent, prayerful but she keeps insisting on settling down and I am not ready. You won't believe I have been given an ultimatum or else she will marry her parents’ preference whom is from their tribe. Should love have ultimatum? I need to be emotionally psyched to get married and she does not seem to understand which I find strange considering her high EQ. Moreso, she's going for her masters in United Kingdom and I gave her my words that we will settle down as soon as she completes her master’s program.” Tony said
“When is your daughter getting married? At 36, she's not getting any younger o!, even her younger ones especially the boys are all married. Where two or more family members are gathered, her daughter's marital status is being discussed”
“Asake, Kevin is talking marriage and I am definitely going to say No when he pops the question. Don’t get me wrong, I do love this man but all he talks about is how he cannot wait for us to start having kids, he is even suggesting I get pregnant before our family introduction. I want him to propose because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, with or without kids. What will happen if I do not get pregnant by our first anniversary, will he walk away or take a new wife? It seems like his life achievement in marriage is having kids, if this mindset does not change in 6 months, I am walking out on our relationship” Carol said
“Asake, I am worried about this marriage business. My house is like a bus-stop for my friends, they always stop by when in the neighborhood. Even when I instructed our security man to have a default response that I am not home, they still come in to greet Iya Tunde but they never come empty handed; they come with engagement ring, wedding invitation, Aso-Ebi, post marriage pregnancy or even their husbands. As soon as they leave, Iya Tunde becomes a prayer warrior however recently she has started questioning the benefit of keeping female friends when I watch other guys whisk them away” Tunde narrated
People have gotten married for various reasons, some are based on technical/emotional reasons while others are religious based : love, foresightedness, employment, procreation, religion, wealthy background, sexual pleasure, culinary skills, values and the list goes on.
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh” Genesis 2:24 KJV
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.." [Quran 30:21]
Over the years, I have learnt marriage is not perfect; it is not one size fit all, it is not the solution to all your problems, and it is also not a quick getaway. I look at marriage as a one way trip where there will be misunderstanding with the customs officials, turbulence, sometimes stop over, might be quickies with the hostess or other passengers, excellent and bad food, high and low altitude, longer stay in the toilet, boring and exciting in-flight entertainment, duty free, temporary change of seat, technical and mechanical fault and additional crew members. The duration of this trip can be longer than 40years, have you ask yourself if you really want to be the co-pilot? What will make you change your final destination? What will make you stick to the pilot or co-pilot when the engine is faulty? What will make another flight offering enticing?
Personally, I love fairytales, the prince will sweep me off my feet but then I realized life is not a Disney story. Life is Life; it is different for everyone and happily ever after does just not happen – the partners involved have to work for it. Last week, I was in a group discussion when a colleague said, it takes four things to make a marriage work out – God, communication, intimacy and cash- she has been married for more than 15years.
I do not know the secret to settling down, I do not know the secret to a good relationship and I still do not know the reason why some people choose to settle down but I know marriage is not a fashion statement- last summer’s trend or in vogue, it is a decision that can unite or break the world. Don’t get caught in the all my friends are getting married moment. Get married because you are convinced and ready to do so.
Till next time, remember “The magic isn’t in getting married; the magic is in staying married. In the pursuit of relationship we can all search for people to live with but there is somebody out there you will find if you are fortunate enough that you cannot live without” David Talbert : Baggage Claim
PS: If you are married or about to get married, could you please share what motivated you to take the bold step, you never can tell, your story might motivate others who are also struggling to figure out why they should.

 Edited by Opson Dada & Lola Johnson


  1. First to comment Hehehehe

    Back to topic of discussion
    Let me see how I can explain this. The bible clearly says God is love and light and in him is found no shadow of darkness or turning, which means that God's very nature and being is love. Now somewhere In Genesis God created man and wen he did so he breath in man. In doing that he transferred all of his nature and being into man and so we can clearly that man is not like God but man is God. Remember that the nature man has is not his own but God's nature and man could only understand such nature with the help of God's spirit. So when man fell he lost that spirit and so has had a misconception of this love nature he alwas have. Of all the problem I know people have and of all the most twisted things man have ever deviced, love is the only concept thay has being so twisted over the years that even wrong things seems right when it comes to love. Man hasbeing trying to understand something that only the spirit of God can teach us and so you see people with different ideas and concepts about love and anything related to love. Marriage is no excepion and we have seen it with several experiences and testimonies of people that even something as pure and intimate as marriage has being ridiculed to how rich u are, how many children u can have and other canal things that does not make meaning.

    My little advice, seek out God's help on this great thing called love and see how you will see marriage even Jesus said "seek first the Kingdom of God and his Ways and every other thing will be added to you". Get uour priority right and watch how you will grow effortlessly in love and light

    Signing out
    Hokage *big smile*

    1. Congratulations on being the first.
      I do agree with you spiritual guidance is important for the believers

  2. I kip hearing wen is ur own wen a frd of mine gets married. Then I thot 2 myself wud I rili rush myself into somtin n rush out lata? marriage 4 me is 4 better tyms n ugly tyms, its not a Cinderella story, don't get me wrong Cinderella works 4 some pple but its not 4 every1. I tink we sud all take our tym 2 scan thru n b sure dats wat we rili want not wat our parents want cos most of our parents stayed in DAT marriage cos of us not cos dey wr happy. we av 2 b deliberate abt luv, frdship n marriage, its takes commitment, and understanding 2 get thru some difficult tyms. I totally agree wit u Asake Okin, kip u d gud work.

    1. Awwww.. Thanks for the encouraging comment. Our parents sacrifice is a lesson for us, maintain an healthy relationship with your children's father or mother irrespective of success of the marriage. .

      It's important to know what you and your boo need to have before taking the blod step. It's a personal decision that has to be discussed with your boo..

  3. People get married for different reasons be it to procreate, companionship or mainly cos its 'half of their faith'. Whatever the case is, this line sums it up for me "The magic isn’t in getting married; the magic is in staying married. Sometimes I ask my mum how she has managed to weather the storm with my dad for over 4years and what she tells me most times is that apart from the grace of God, it takes tolerance, perseverance and deep conviction. Personally, I'm the kind of dude that doesn't really believe in love or its fantasies because I have a strong believe that every love story emanated from lustful desires. A psychologist once said within 3 years of marriage, all the love between couples will be used up. So if I decide to settle down today, it won't just be with a woman I love, it will be with a woman I can tolerate and I have a deep conviction I want to spend the rest of my life with.

    1. Yes most of our parents were very tolerant in their marriage.

      Not every love story emanated from lustful desires, have you met arranged marriage couples that are in love? And they didn't meet till the wedding day.

  4. Choosing a life partner and sustaining the marriage involves God, open communication, a lot of patience, determination and intimacy

  5. Marriage is not like a jacket that you can change at will.You are expect to stay married forever.(Holding God,love and money constant) So chill!! Grow up a bit a little bit more(get more matured) and take the decision (when you are ready)

  6. I'm not married so I try not to say much on topics like this but then I have lived with my parents who are still married for over 30years. So I guess I could share some things I noticed! First I think things like communication, forgiveness, forgetting wrong doings, understanding, respect were some of the major things I noticed about them. The selflessness to not think about just self in decisions to be made was also a factor. There were lots of fights and that resulted in lots of apologies and forgiveness.

    I once was asked by my uncle who was a pastor what I had done to deserve to marry? And I couldn't answer. So he gave this analogy. To get a job or have a career we spend almost 16-30 yrs getting an education so as to function well in a job yet for marriage almost everyone thinks the job is to find someone to love or love u and then that's it. After the honeymoon comes the reality; bills, babies, work stress and many other things begin to rear its head and people realize they aren't well prepared for this. People need to read and listen to people with successful marriages and work towards a good marriage before saying I do. The question is are u prepared for this life long career???

  7. Hmmmm.....Marriage can be overrated, underrated, awesome, crappy, fairy tale, nightmarish, and I dare say happily ever after just as we all grew up to think when we hear the words 'once upon a time'. But its entirely up to the individuals concerned, you get what you put into It. it requires hard work, commitment and a high degree of selflessness, where your role is to love your partner and prefer them over yourself. Think about it....if its your life long desire to ensure the happiness of your partner is your top priority, what will be the outcome? The workings of marriage are continuous improvement you never really arrive continuously discovering each other and ceaselessly fanning the flames of desire. Do your homework on understand women, women take your time to understand men, we are completely different species with 'human' being the only common factor. The way we think, act, feel and react are poles apart. So get married by all means for whatever reason you want as long as the reason is right for you. But for crying out loud be freaking prepared!!!!

  8. First off, let me commend how much work has gone into this post. I am a sucker for love talk and this just got me. (really, you should write more).
    Going by the length of the replies I have read here,seems like a lot of us find this a thought provoking topic.
    I have been micro counselling for a while and if there's anything I know, it is that nobody knows. Everyday is a new subject with lots of sub topics in a marriage. I went into marriage off a 7 year courtship that saw it all, ups, downs and in betweens.I thought this was more than ample preparation. Even now, I am laughing at how wrong I was, the whole of the 7 year courtship translated into less experience than 1 actual day of marriage offered, it always feels like the longer the better but that's not always the case. The courtship did play its part because incidentally, the 7 years brought me plenty drama. So much drama that I had to suggest to her to leave and let me sort myself with the "if Allah wills" statement (as against holding her down). Well, she waited and became the reason for which my motivation to bounce back stayed on high. I begged Allaah to make her the one and just powered on. I didn't even have to propose, it came as naturally as breathing like "duh". Summary, we can try (and we should) but after all is said and done, it's more of what Allaah wills because we all don't face the same set of conditions and challenges.
    This post rocks

  9. Thanks Shamseddin for the commendation and encouragement. My mom always says you never know who you want to marry till you marry him – this is similar to your comment – guess marriage is a University- we will learn every day

  10. I dated my wife for 6 months before we got married. We have 4 kids from the marriage today and have gone 8 years without any major fight.

    Once the two people involved have God as their mentor, the rest is simple.

    1. This comment came at the right time.. All i can say is thank you

  11. I believe it all goes back to the concept of self. In order to take that bold step, you need to ask yourself: "am I the person the person I'm waiting for is waiting for". And therein in lies the motivation to pursue the marriage process or give a little more before the fact