The Weight They Carry

I spoke with a friend earlier in the year, and she was sad about her inability to financially support her brother's master's degree. She felt like a failed older sister. So, I asked her, "Money aside, how did you support your brother before he departed for school?

Her list included housing him, reviewing his application essays, coaching him for a visa interview, driving him to the embassy for his visa appointment, looking for an affordable ticket, organizing foodstuffs, packing his bags, and getting a friend to pick him up at the airport. It was not the first time a friend who is an older sibling complained about feeling like a failed first child.

Our conversation made me realize that many people, especially eldest siblings, often measure their contribution by how much they give their families and communities. Maybe this is how their families see their contributions too.

Growing up, my mom taught me that support comes in different forms. The person who helped us cross the road, the lady who visited us every Eid celebration, those who passed down their clothes to us, the boy who coached me in mathematics every holiday, the person who sent us a job vacancy, the cousin who paid for our expenses, a friend who housed us, and the neighbor who took us to the hospital were some of my mom's examples.

As a last child, I know this post is written from a privileged point of view, as I will never know what it feels like to be a first child. However, as the last child, I have rarely measured my siblings’ contributions based on money (except when I need to borrow some and have to figure out who can quickly lend me without any stress). 

I have to admit that I sometimes view my siblings through a situational lens. I often say I have a sibling for every issue. I go to one sibling for travel advice, another for support with my ideas, and then another for brutal feedback. The one I go to when I'm being bullied or need someone to stand up for me is different from my career coach. I hope none of them feel burdened (especially financially) by me.

As a last child, I also recognize that some families have invested so much in their first child, hoping that they can lift the other siblings. But the truth is, life does not always turn out as we plan.

My appeal to everyone reading this post is to give your siblings grace and stop judging them based on money or how much they contribute. 

 

Till next time, remember that the saying “you never know what battle someone is fighting” also applies to your loved ones.